Diggin' the Dancing Queen

14:41 / by x u e z h e n g / comment(s) (2)

These are the days that we were looking forward to since the start of Term 4. It's post exam and I am so thankful that I do not have to sit for the "O"s. But exams have since ended for close to a week and I am starting hearing complaints of severe boredom :)


Well, while the exams were still ongoing, I have made a promise to myself to not waste the time after exams just like that -- imagine staring into a computer screen for a whole day, gosh, that's rather sad right? So I started thinking of activities I can do after exams. There were the joke ones, like signing up for a bonsai trimming course, or a ballroom dancing course in the local community centre. Thing is, we do not have the money. So, one week into the exams, I have suggested to my fellow Malaysian friends to put on a show for Aphelion Day. And hell, that was one good choice I made. More on that later...

Of course, Plan "Utilise Time" also includes a cap of either 3 TV episodes or 1 movie a day (although so far it's only the former because I don't really watch/download movies), which has worked so far, blogging more, which is what I am doing, and going out more often to eat or walk, though that requires time, money and energy.

And of course, the top priority on my list, continue to pursue my passion in music. Four days into post exam and I have already produced 5 musical numbers, 3 choreographies, wrote a new song and edited an old one. (The first two with the help of my friends of course) Not bad huh? Personally, I am quite pleased with the new song I have written, it is less cliched and cringe-worthy (The last one never fails to make me cringe each time I re-read it -- the reason I editted it, though it doesn't really get any better due to the subject topic itself) And apparently "Sixteen" as a title of a post is a popular one for spam, each time I log onto Blogger I have to reject 5-10 Japanese spam comments asking me to purchase Viagra or stuff like that. Hoping for more inspiration in the near future!

Okay, now for the Aphelion Day performance. I wouldn't say I've always wanted to do this, because just a few weeks back I have said that Aphelion Day will be a failure (oops!) Yes, it is true that I have predicted the event to be performance-lacking (and that is on top of the cheesy mess of the usual performances). But recent circumstances have made me look back upon my years in high school and ask me myself: What have I achieved musically? I remember the time in Sec 1 when I have considered joining the band or the string orchestra. I was so filled with enthusiasm, I guess it died down a little with time.

Being quiet in class didn't help as well, because I did not get to voice my frustration over the fact that everyone immediately assumed a class performance to be a "class dance". To me, what an ideal performance must embody are these three aspects: music, song and dance. In show business, they perceive people possessing the talent in these singing, dancing and acting as a "Triple Threat". That's what I want to do! Well, I am proud that my class did do something along the lines of what I just mentioned instead of the usual "dancing to R&B" or "mass singing 朋友" that we always see, but I had limited if not zero involvment in that, and little personal attachment.

So here am I trying to rekindle this spirit again. I gathered a group of Malaysian scholars, and we started thinking of songs in its entirety: the effect that it could possibly generate among the crowd, the meaning of the lyrics, the difficulty of producing it, the feasibility of choreographing it... I listen to songs all the time, wondering the lengths people go about producing their music, putting together various instruments to enhance the quality of the song, arranging various scores, coming out with these SATB (Soprano-Alto-Tenor-Bass) vocals, distributing the voices and intruments and balancing them. These are the very aspects of music producing that I have always wanted to try, especially after I started to write songs. This was all a new experience to me, and I'll say that I am adapting rather well to it :)

In the end, we decided to do a mash-up medley of ABBA's "Dancing Queen" (good song to start out with because A. it's very attention grabbing; B. pretty much everyone knows this song), The Tokens' "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" (for the comical effect), Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" (to an easily identifiable contemporary radio song that most people should be able to relate to), Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" (for it is a very upbeat and motivational song, that should be able to retain attention), and finally 小虎队's “红蜻蜓” (as it sums up our four years in Hwa Chong really well without delving into the usually cheesiness of Vitamin C or 朋友). Each song was carefully chosen, crafted and ordered in such that a way the audience won't lose their attention (or so I hope).

Rehearsals were supposed to start on Friday, though sadly many went for their usual badminton session. Don't blame them because I know that they have their passions and I have mine, it's okay to prioritise I guess? Though it did get a little frustrating when I found out that all of them won't be showing up for the whole of the weekends because they were heading home. So the remaining members went on without them, and we progressed really quick, in fact much quicker than I have expected, so much so that I have ditched plans to teach everyone to harmonise (because it is so tiring for me to do that each day when a new member comes back), and decided to make them all dancers.

Don't get me wrong, my background singers which include Zi Kang, Zi Qian, Eng Keat, Zhao Hong and Shi-Jie sounded so great, that I was so touched during the instant that I successfully taught them harmony. I never thought that I would ever start a musical group like that, and that moment felt like I have really achieved something finally. It is just that the process of teaching backing and harmony of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", "I'm Yours", "Dancing Queen" and “红蜻蜓” will be too tiring if I were to repeat such lessons all over again to a new group of people. I'm glad Zi Qian told me that we should not be progressing too quickly without the rest, which made me realise that I needed to tighten up and not let the absence of the other members affect the performance, which then led to the decision to make them dancers. Hoping that this time it will really work!

Which brings me to this part. The choreography. None of us actually have a dancing background or have ever done anything remotely resembling a dance (and no, I do not consider the infamous "Hwa Chong dance" a dance. That led Zi Kang, Zi Qian, Eng Keat and I to choreograph dance steps for "Don't Stop Beliving" and “红蜻蜓”. That was relatively okay as the songs do not require much movement at all. The real problem was "Dancing Queen", it's a dance song, obviously, and we did not know how to begin in the first place. So we tried to be as minimalistic as possible and took the “抛砖引玉” approach. I started it off by suggesting the "John Travolta hands" move for the start of the song, as well as a simple "pointing-at-each other" movement for that part where "You can dance, you can jive" is sung, all of which were accepted. Then we got stuck for a moment. Soon, Zi Kang got the idea to look at the choreography for "Dancing Queen" in "Mamma Mia! The Movie", where we got the dance moves for the next few sentences. The rest pretty much just fell into place after that.

Fearing that we would forget the dance moves by the time we want to teach dance moves, we got Chern Yuen to video us dancing the video, of course that did not come after many MANY times of practising (like seriously, we were bathing in sweat). Got a few laughs out of it :) By the time we ended it was 12+ am, we were horribly hot, dripping all over with sweat. Boy, that was actually some good exercise going on there, to which I say: take that, a certain gym-hitting family in HCIBS! :D

I want you guys to understand, this performance means so much to me, it is not just a cheesy, cheap, school performance that anyone and everyone can just easily replicate and perform on stage, it is not mass-singing or mass-dancing, I can do all that if I tried, and trust me, it does not take as much effort as to meticulously plan each detail from choosing the songs, to arranging the music, to coordinating the vocals, to distributing the roles, to choreographing the steps... And the list goes on. I want this to be something epic, something no one can just take from us and re-perform without going through the various processes. I want us to all enjoy this and remember this as what we have together as a group of Malaysian scholars.

To end off, let me quote ABBA. So, can I dance? Can I jive? I very much still doubt my ability. But I can certainly tell you, I am having the time of my life!

Who Would've Known

01:13 / by x u e z h e n g / comment(s) (0)

As I am typing this it is 1:13 am, feeling rather lonely for several reasons. Maybe it is the tranquility of the night. Yes, so the exams are finally over, and happy as the superficial part of me is, I am feeling rather empty. It is just that recently, I have been thinking about the friendships I've made and lost in these four years.


So here's a song I wrote on the spot. It sounds nicer with the music in my head. It's semi-autobiographical, some details were made up but mostly they are a true reflections of my real feelings drawn from real experiences with people.

It's a song mourning the loss of friendship, like how people you once were so good friends with become near strangers when we meet them say, 10 years later, or find out what they are really like. It's called "Who Would've Known".

VERSE 1:
Said we'd look back on this and laugh
at our foolish ways and those horrid lies;
The way we teased that guy down there
about his big fat nose and his narrow eyes.

Said we'd go to that place and spend the day
and leave only when the clock reads six o' five;
The way we enjoyed each others' presence
and were together each moment alive.

But all it took,
was just a closer look,
Then the truth comes to light;
And seeing us now,
being so distant somehow,
Just makes me want to sigh.

CHORUS:
Who would've known that people can change
and become someone you don't recognise,
Who would've known that the man you call "friend"
becomes someone you despise,
Maybe it's just me,
Maybe time made me see,
How different we are through the veil of similarities;
Now who would've known that we once had our trust,
Now who would've known that we once had a past,
Now who would've known that we'd lose the friendship we owned,
Who would've known...

VERSE 2:
Said we'd spend the free days recreating
those crazy social experiments we used to try;
Seeing our Subject fall for our trap
used to make us laugh till our tears dry.

Said we'd get that pretty girl to join us
so we can look her in those beautiful eyes;
So lovely so wonderful was that charm of hers that
made her topic of our countless sleepless nights.

But all it took,
was just that closer look,
Then the truth comes to light;
And seeing us now,
being so distant somehow,
Was our friendship all a lie?.

CHORUS:
Who would've known that people can change
and become someone you don't recognise,
Who would've known that the man you call "friend"
becomes someone you despise,
Maybe it's just me,
Maybe time made me see,
How different we are through the veil of similarities;
Now who would've known that we once had our trust,
Now who would've known that we once had a past,
Now who would've known that we'd lose the friendship we owned,
Who would've known...

INTERLUDE:
(does not have any lyrics, the melody fully in my mind only, has these epic string instruments together with a piano)

CHORUS:
Who would've known that people can change
and become someone you don't recognise,
Who would've known that the man you call "friend"
becomes someone you despise,
Maybe it's just me,
Maybe time made me see,
How different we are through the veil of similarities;
Now who would've known that we once had our trust,
Now who would've known that we once had a past,
Now who would've known that we'd lose the friendship we owned,
Who would've known...
Who would've known...

- END OF SONG -

Most of you guys probably won't take this seriously, or probably you got bored reading my amateurish lyrics, but I want to let you know that the lyrics mean a lot to me because writing lyrics is a way I channel my emotions and feelings inside.

I wrote this song because I was feeling a little sad, overwhelemed by the rapidly changing experiences from people I call my friends, espcially in recent weeks. Come on, who are we kidding? How often do we even talk now? Who would've known, right? I certainly did not...

华岗剧坊

14:07 / by x u e z h e n g / comment(s) (5)

I just read Shien Yang's blog post regarding his feelings after stepping down from CCA. I was very affected by that post, and there is this mixture of emotions churning inside that I felt that I was compelled to say something. Thing is, when I proceeded to leave a comment, I found myself at a lost for words... Yes, it is true that I have not written a post on Huagang. There were always mentions here and there, but somehow there wasn't one exclusively dedicated to my CCA. It wasn't something intentional, but it was just something that never came. How many times have I harboured the thought of writing on say, 华岗艺韵 or 陈嘉庚, but there was never enough time. (Or is that an excuse I tell myself?) With the exception of one blog post "Ong Teng Cheong" which I don't really consider a true post on Huagang firstly cos it was really short and secondly because I wrote it in Sec 2 (a lot of biasness).


I have always hid my feelings from my CCA away from most people, including the ones closest to me. It was always this hovering thing that I just don't talk to people about. But now that we have all stepped down, maybe it is time for me to explore these feelings myself. Frankly, Huagang is had always been a love-hate relationship for me. But I have spent so much time together with Shien Yang that people almost immediately assumed that huagang = total love to me. My passion for Huagang can never match that of Shien Yang or Zhi Hao, and the times that I have been so angry or frustrated with Huagang can actually match the good times. I remember saying in my blog post/comment in Sec 2 after "Ong Teng Cheong" performance that we feel happy, like all the hard work was worth it, like every paid off, only as a temporal feeling of high, once these feelings fade, it would be back to the old feelings of maybe frustration or even hate. Well, maybe it is now time for the reevaluation of this claim that I made...

During "Tan Kah Kee", seeing Shien Yang being all serious and screwing people and scolding people on stage, overexerting and overstressing himself to the point where he just speaks instructions so fast and unclear that no one can really hear. (Shien Yang: hey seriously though, I did not tell you about this part before, you were like "no, no, no" and then some weird hand motion that does not mean anything at all then push people away then mumble something more. Then I was like, huh? But then that was not the time to tell you anyway) There were times that I just wish he would cool, you know, "欲速则不达", but it was very hard to. Well, the fact that I procrastinate, probably explaining why I choose to take my own sweet time in my work, and that Shien Yang is what 周老师 called a "急性子的人", I guess it was more of a personality clash that I chose not to tell him. There were many times that I had struggled with myself. There was also that one part of me that says, let me be the one who tells him this because I am his friend. But now I am finally telling you this, at the very least.

Okay, now I'm going off topic. My point is, I don't find myself doing such a thing, not in the name of theatre discipline or my responsibility as a stage manager. Thing is, it is that something that is holding me back. I know myself well enough that I cannot be a good leader. If good leadership means having to be strict/fierce, or having the courage to stand up against my friends, (which it is in the context of Hwa Chong anyway), I cannot do it. I just lack this quality in me, my heart is too soft: I forgive and forget easily, and I cannot bear hurting other people because I know how it feels to be hurt. Remember the class chairman of 2B/07? I don't go around crowd controlling or class disciplining because I know I cannot, instead the things that I do is to inform Mdm Chiu of the situation in class, so that she could handle it (or at least she tried). I may have the vision and ideals on how to do something, but I just cannot assume the role of a leader because I keep them inside. Unless, of course, the rest of the people in that group are really more passive than I am. Having the potential and manifesting it right is a different issue after all. I need the Shien Yang's in my life, someone who can do these things. At times it can really make life suck, because people like this tend to force you to accept their view and refuse to admit they are wrong; but times it make life a whole lot easier, especially when you have a personality like me, because all you need to do is to ask for help. Shien Yang and I are same but not too same, different but not too different, that's the reason we can be friends, but at the very least, this is one thing different between us that I know that we can learn from each other.

I do more of the silent working, what I contribute people may not see. Yes, I may not stay back late in the night to make props. But what I must do (i.e. what is in my field of responsibility), I will get it prepared. As much as Shien Yang and Zhi Hao like to point out that I have never once stayed back to make the props, I did stay back to write my script with Han Yang outside LT3, I did sacrifice a week and a half of holiday when I could have gone back to my home which is gasp, not easily accessible by a 45-cent trip on 170. What I am trying to say is, I do my part in Huagang, or at least I try my best. I like to do my part, I may complain but eventually come to appreciate it. Whoever said that devotion and enthusiasm was measured by whatever you do that is not in your responsibility? Don't judge me by what I did not do, don't label me with the things that I am not. I like to believe that I take Huagang with a pinch of reality, I know that what is more important are my studies, and this may make the things I do for Huagang not my priority. Reality is what is holding me back. Yes, I may be idealistic but I know the reality well, I know that pursuing music or drama is not realistic for my future, but it does not stop me from wishing or dreaming at the same time, right?

The good things about Huagang was always production related. It was the nights of writing script in pitch darkness (only light source from my laptop), it was directing my own show, being given my own creative license... Contrary to what some may believe, I AM actually very fascinated with the inner workings of drama and theatre, especially that of musical theatre (you know the reason, because it integrates music AND drama). It is very contradictory that what you may hate for a moment can become a good memory at the end of the day. Luck has been on my side as far as Huagang is concerned. I have been given so many chances in Huagang to experience the various sides of drama, such as acting, writing scripts, directing, stage managing, make-up etc. I would even say that it was something purely by chance that I got the EXCO position of quartermaster.

Well, of course I'm happy, and of course I like it. But when I look at the seniors, who come back year after year after year. It is this Huagang spirit that bonds them so strongly, one that I believe I have but is not manifested strongly. I can enjoy the times we spent, look back and smile, but I don't think that I possess and will ever possess such devotion. It is integral that we differentiate between passion and devotion. Mine is passion, that I can tell you confidently. You can despise me all you want and condemn my occasional lack of involvment or lack of care, but just don't force your ideals on everyone. And of course I won't waste my time trying to force you to believe me.

Yeah, so maybe what I had said in Sec 2 was true. It is post-production high. But it does not only stop that. In fact, there are reasons that I like Huagang that even I cannot explain myself. Perhaps it is a collective feeling of love and hate that had blurred the lines so much. But whatever it is, I do know that Huagang has changed me for good. I may not be able to write only the good things about Huagang, but those things that I like about Huagang are the ones that will forever remain in me. I'll probably not go to Huang Cheng next year, but Huagang, now that's something that I will never forget in my life.

Childhood Crush

22:23 / by x u e z h e n g / comment(s) (5)

I'll make this post a quick and happy one. How do I do that? With some videos that will brighten your day, of course!


But before of that, let me introduce to you my childhood crush - ELMO from Sesame Street! Once you watch these videos, its easy to see why Elmo has captivated the hearts of millions of kids in the world. I promise that the videos will put a smile on your face, unless you are some weirdo with a guailan childhood.

I'll start off with this classic, Andrea Bocelli sings Time to Say Goodnight to Elmo. Some people may know that I downloaded this video when I was in Sec 2 and watched it everyday for some time.


Let's have a little country music right now. Martina McBride goes on Sesame Street to sing That's Pretending with Elmo! Do check out her music too, she sings very meaningful songs dealing with hot issues like abuse.


I'm continuing with country music. Sugarland sings Songs. This one's a personal favourite, not only because I like Sugarland, the song was catchy and relatable. I found the song most musically relevant. The theme was universal, singing songs are for everyone...


Another personal favourite. Norah Jones singing Don't Know Why with Elmo, love her jazzy style and vocals, it's very different from contemporary pop singers. The plot is hillarious mainly because it's childish. "Y" looks cool by the way.


Ellen DeGeneres telling Elmo how their names are actually simillar, though Elmo insists that its different. Ell-en and El-mo, how ingenious...


I'll end with this one. Elmo comes out a little later and doesn't talk but I find Patti Labelle's voice amazing. Singing the ABC in gospel style. If only we were taught the alphabet this way...


Okay, so the lyrical contents of the videos are kiddy (except "Songs" by Sugarland that was rather universal), but they're educational. Elmo is so sweet... There are more Elmo vids online but I just chose a few that I liked best.

Those were the days huh? Finally, I hope that these videos have made your day a better one. Enjoy the remainder of the holidays, that is if you really call it a holiday.

It's Just Me, Math and Music

00:18 / by x u e z h e n g / comment(s) (2)

I'll condense what I have been doing these few days into two words. Math. Music.


Math

What? But you don't like math! Yes, true, but it seemed that the things that I have been doing for the past few days (or lack thereof) had something to do with wonderful mathematics.

Firstly, it was APMOPS (Asia-Pacific Mathematical Olympiad for Primary Schools) on the 30th of May. I was emceeing for the prize presentation of APMOPS in Chinese, my first ever emceeing experience. And to top it all off, it was the very competition that brought me the Singapore. A lot of people do not know this, it was my lack of integrity that got me this scholarship. In the internal qualifying round in my school, I sort of changed one answer so that I can get a chance to participate in SMOPS. And that move changed my life forever - I had the minimum amount of score in the first round needed to get me into the invitation round in Singapore. And if that wasn't enough, it got me a scholarship too. If I didn't change that answer, I'd probably take the ASEAN scholarship test anyway, though I wouldn't be so sure that I'd get the scholarship. Now if you ask me if I would've done the same thing, I'd probably still do it. Does that make me a bad and selfish person? Or does it just make me human? Don't judge me for this, my point is, we are all selfish in our own ways. It's our way of surviving. How do you think the human race got to the top of the hierarchy in the first place? Nobody's perfect.

Of course, now and then I do regret doing that, but when I think of what it has brought me, I don't know what to think. It's the conscience vs selfishness talk once again. But since I have chosen selfishness at that time, I'll have to accept it. Hmm, maybe it's just that I have not reached the stage of maturity that would make me a selfless, principled person who wouldn't do anything against what's right.

Okay, now I'm deviating. Back to APMOPS. I found the emceeing experience fun enough. Thanks to 邱老师, 张老师, Mrs Cheryl Wong and Ms Tan Yew Hui for their support. Although APMOPS this year is really just a competition between the Malaysians and Singaporeans (thanks to H1N1 flu, contestants from other regions did not come to Singapore), which made the competition a lot more small scale this year, it felt nice to have gone through such an event from the perspective of an emcee. As 邱老师 told me shortly after the prize presentation ended “台上一分钟，台下十年功”. True words indeed, same thing for theatre.

1st June was not so fun though, it was three and half hours of pure mathematics. Mrs Teng had pointed out my weakness in mathematics and had scheduled for a one-to-one class. I hadn't expect 3.5 hours though. I went to school at 8am, and to my surprise, Mrs Teng told me that she'll just continue to give me stuff to do until my saturation point.

But I'll be very fair, I can't say I got nothing out of the lesson. It turned out that Mrs Teng's twenty years of teaching made her so good at whatever she does. She started by giving me some Secondary 2 questions to test the strength of my foundation. It was sort of like a diagnosis, to find out what's wrong. Very professional indeed. I was impressed. Soon after, she concluded that my methods took too long to complete those questions, and taught me some techniques. Later on, we just did past year compilations of questions. A 15 minute break in which I just walked around the school aimlessly followed. After that, I reentered the classroom, where Mrs Teng had scheduled a math test for her Beijing students, or retest for those who had failed her previous test. She gave me their paper and told me to do it as well. After the test, as with the situation after every math lesson, I cannot help but feel a bit 自卑. Everyone seems fine with maths, or at least they seem to be coping. But not me. I stayed behind, cleared my doubts on the questions on the paper, asked a few more questions on logarithm, then was finally released. It was nice to know that Mrs Teng cared so much for my mathematics standard though.

Came 2nd June, the day of SMO (Singapore Mathematical Olympiad). While I had voluntarily signed up for it, I regreted it. Not only I don't stand a chance, I wouldn't enjoy it. But here's what happened. I missed the competition. Not on purpose though. It was a simple case of oversleeping. I woke up at 2pm utterly shocked, if not just purely confused. I have never slept till this late! Not in Singapore though. I did set an alarm but either it didn't ring, or I was just too asleep to notice. Normally, I have no problem waking up, I have never been late for school, for competitions, for most things. But probably SMO just didn't register in my brain properly? Weird, maybe it's my subconscious trying to tell me something else.

Music

Due to the usual monotony associated with the holidays, I have been going to the music room to play the piano for the past few days. It was great to feel alive again after all that happened in school for the past few weeks. It was my way of escaping from reality, and I like it.

Zi Kang and Aaron had followed me the music room for all times we used it, occasionally Zi Qian and Eng Keat would come. Shi-Jie made a guest appearance for 5 minutes (to sell Zi Kang the sandwich that he had bought wrongly, the one with meat). We played all sorts of songs that came to our mind. Sang a few, experimented on a few. Had a blast. On Sunday, Zi Kang, Zi Qian and I didn't get a room as the office was closed. Instead, we played the piano outside Blue Tea. For 4 hours! Though Mickey, our second favourite guard next to Karen Monica Cheng, kept walking around us and giving us what we saw as approving nods. Weird. Pauline said that she saw Mickey playing the piano a few times when we told her of it, I'm not sure if she's trying to scam us though, cause she didn't sound serious. Conclusion: our guards are 多才多艺.

Last night was one night of realisation though. I had suggested going to the music room, so we went down to the office to book a room. This time, Zi Qian and Eng Keat followed. I had presumed that they wanted to have fun with music so I was all "the more the merrier". But it turned out that they wanted me to assist them in practising for their class performance, playing the Mission: Impossible theme song.

Although I know that I would not enjoy it, it was fine by me to help them, so I said okay. We started playing for a while. Then, I forgot who was it, someone started singing the Keat song. Then Zi Qian started playing it on the flute, so I started playing the accompaniment on piano. Suddenly, Eng Keat pushed my hands away, I knew something was wrong, but I just said "what?" and continued to play for a while, until Eng Keat made a few very hard bows on his cello, I stopped. I walked away from the piano, then Eng Keat started banging all over the piano. Now everyone knew that he was displeased, and the atmosphere was awkward. I was a little angry too, because I didn't get what was making him behave this way. I reasoned that if he was angry with the song we were playing, he could have just told us or let out his angry slowly, but it was his sudden release of anger that made me angry.

Everyone was not saying anything, but I knew what they were thinking. I had to let it out, so I said rather angrily, "I ... I have to say something. 你发什么脾气? Seriously, it's not that I want to say or anything, but if you are angry, you can tell us or something or what right? Do you need to bang the piano and do all those things that you did? I don't get angry all the time, I don't scold people a lot, but seriously, this time?" Then I stormed out the room, and what coincidence, my mum called at that time.

After speaking with my mother, Zi Kang, Aaron and I discussed about what happened. I asked if what I said was too harsh? Aaron told me it was just "very regular pissing off", Zi Kang said "not really". I was in the heat, I was thinking of leaving the card and key on the piano and to tell them to return them when they're done, then leave the room. That was when I saw Eng Keat cry. Then I hesitated. I have never seen my dear friend cry, it came to me I was the one who started it, so it was up to me to end it. It was so tempting to just leave, but I didn't. After a few moments of consideration. I went in to apologise. Zi Qian and I started to console him. I told Eng Keat, that I NEED to know what made him angry because I am his friend. It was the song that we played, and everything that was about it. I said that I was very sorry for whatever we might've done in the past, and that I will try to stop doing it as far as possible. That was when Mr Lee Khen Seng came in suddenly. He asked if we can handle, I said yes. Zi Kang later told me that Mr Lee's daughter wanted to use the piano, but then he saw Zi Kang and Aaron standing at one corner of the music room. He asked what happened, Zi Kang told him that we had an argument so they thought it'd be better for them to stay outside. Zi Kang and Aaron left soon after that.

After saying what I said to console him and to apologise, I felt that I had to tell him the bigger picture, because I was a friend. I told him the reason why people do this. I said, everyone gets this, even I get angry at times when being called names and hurled insults by the people I call my closest friends. It is the things that we keep inside because we fear hurting our friends instead. But it is based on the assumption that our friends would keep it within, or that our friends wouldn't mind, that we say such things that might hurt them on an internal level. We can promise him the world to console him but slip back into our old ways after some time. I told him, it is the whole inevitability of being friends and that THIS is the meaning of being friends. It is about the things we don't say, but we mean in our hearts. It was the things that I told Eng Keat when I poured my heart out. What we do in real life might not reflect how much we see the other as a friend, the whole string of assumptions we make, of how our friends wouldn't care about this, of how they wouldn't mind about that, shows how we take them forgranted. But once in a while, it'd be nice to tell them: You are my friend, I appreciate you, I value what we have gone through together. And you who are reading this at this very moment, get the hint please, this is what I am trying to tell you right now :)

I understand that it might be a continued suppression of these emotions that led to such an outburst. At that time, I was thinking, I don't want this friendship to end just like that, so I did what I did. I suggested going back to our rooms and to get an early rest. In the end, it was the signature "HI" of Eng Keat that broke the awkward atmosphere, a smile appeared on the edge of my lips as Zi Qian and I looked into each others' eyes knowingly. As we walked back, we talked about the event that just happened, Zi Qian suggested that all of us could try letting out our displeasure bit by bit. I agreed, but I was just happy that we could talk normally again.

A night of music turned into a night of realisation. I know, it's all just a part of growing up, but I'm glad that it happened to me now than later on in life. I mean, just look at me, co-founder of the Keat song and the term "OMEK", living my world of assumptions. I know that everyone lives with these assumptions of friends, I'll probably still live in these assumptions after this event, but one thing's for sure: I'll be more sensitive to matters regarding these assumptions. Would like to end with this analogy I thought of, inspired by friendship, by life, by the lessons learnt. Life is just like a melody, it's just better with harmony. Together, we create the most harmonious melody of life.

Yours musically,
Xue Zheng

A New Old Friend

21:08 / by x u e z h e n g / comment(s) (4)

Yes, don't look around. This one's dedicated to you. Kiew Yee Lei.


I don't know what's giving me so much motivation to blog these days. I have been blogging for three consecutive days, and that's a record.

It started two days ago, on my birthday. That night, my mother called me and told me that two of my primary school mates had called to wish me happy birthday. Naturally, I was very shocked. Given the person I am now, somewhat a loner and loser, I didn't know that I still had people who'd consider me as a friend in my primary school. I'd assume that they'd all forgotten me. I guess that knowing that I am loved is a good feeling?

My mother told me, she'd told my friends that I was in Singapore, to email me, and thanked them for the well-wishes. The next day, I received Yee Lei's email. She wished me a happy birthday and told me that she had not forgotten me nor my birthday. I replied shortly after, saying that I have not forgotten her as well, and that I was very touched by her sincerity and wishes. I expressed a wish to continue our correspondance with emails from time to time.

That email made me smile. What better than knowing that an old friendship is renewed and given a new chance? Perhaps I am somewhat an overtly idealistic person, but these are the things that make me happy at the end of the day. Hope. And for reigniting that, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Yee Lei, I know you read my blog, that's probably the reason I chose to blog about this.

But there's still something I need to say. Every reader of this blog should at least know this about of me, this that I am about to explain. I came across the theory of "The Bubble", as odd as this may seem, on a comedy sitcom. The theory describes an imaginary bubble, one that engulfs an influential person, or sometimes just a very good-looking person. People treat you differently knowing what you are. And sadly, Bubblettes (sorry this is one horrible terminology) miss out a lot on what's really happening on earth. I was living in this huge, impenetrable bubble during my primary school days.

The star student, the teachers' favourite, the guy with a lot of friends. It used to be this way. But all has changed. I guess being out of the bubble allows you to see things with perspective. Or maybe it is just growing up.

It is not dissimilar to "The Sanctuary" Chern Yuen mentioned to me about iSpark during his Secondary 1 time, but I think that the main difference is that people in "the bubble" don't know that they are in "the bubble" but people in "the sanctuary" choose to be there. In addition, you leave "the bubble" the day you finally realise that everything has gone so wrong, but you leave "the sanctuary" whenever you like. "The bubble" is utopia, but "the sanctuary" is asylum.

I am not the person I used to be. I have changed, and I think it is for the better. We need a fall once in a while to stay human, right? Reality has opened my idealistic eyes, that didn't stop me from being idealistic, but it did change my personality, and the way I perceive things. I acknowledge that it is no longer utopia, I live and adapt to it (or at least I am trying), but nothing can stop me from just wishing and hoping headlessly. Once, in a rather heated talk with my mother, I told her clearly that I have changed into a completely different person, but I am prouder of the person I am right now than the person I once was. Trust me though, it's better to know earlier than to be kept in the dark.

My point for you is, you may not feel that you know me any more? I have my friends who know me as I am right now, and those who know me as I was in Standard 6. But whatever it is, I am willing to give this friendship a go. Let's make a toast to friendship! Old. New. Existing.

Rain

19:48 / by x u e z h e n g / comment(s) (1)

"Cos' I don't know how its gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless"
-- Fearless, Taylor Swift

Ignore the "best dress" part, but that was totally what I felt with my friends today. Fearless is the word people.

We were having lunch at Al-Ameen when it started to rain heavily. There was no sheltered route to the bus stop. So, like little kids, we braved the rain and made our way to the bus stop. A move that made us soaking wet. We didn't care. Boy, that sure brought back many memories of childhood.

I've always thought that there is something very special about rain. There is melancholy AND romance in the atmosphere, don't ask me why. It gives hope. It gives life. It is release. It is different. But why?

Is it because we know that the sun is going to shine again? Or is it because of how every single thing on earth reacts to it? The little boy sharing an umbrella with his mother. The couple holding close to each other under the awning, away from the rain. The plants accepting with intense pleasure the violent splashes of the raindrops on their leaves. Even the way each raindrop bounces off the pavement, the ripple of the puddle fascinates. You don't really notice these during a rain, heck, even I don't notice these. But why do these come to mind when I think of the beauty of rain?

It's cold during a rain. It's wet during a rain. That's probably why we hide away from the rain. But why hide? We don't we instinctively embrace nature's showers, feel each droplet running down your neck, seeping into your semi-transparent white tee (ahem)? That's why I quoted Taylor Swift's song. Yeah for one, I like her as a singer, but secondly - it's something plain Fearless. Now that a quality most of us lack. Who walks into the rain like an idiot when every runs out? I'm glad that we went through what we went through today, because everyone led everyone to be fearless. And we had fun out of it.

I have a secret urge every time it rains - to run out, sing and dance and shout and scream in the rain. Children's have no qualms doing it. Why should we? Why should we follow the social norms? But why do I not do it? Seriously, we humans are such contradictions to ourselves and I can't say I understand why. We are so marginalised, that it just shows. But at the very least, I did something that I've always wanted to, and temporarily broke free from society's boundaries.

Rain is always portrayed as the adversities, whereas the sun always comes out and release the rays of hope. Why do people say that we can make it through the rain, and not the sun? Why do people say the sun will shine again and not the rain will fall again? I don't know. But what I do know is, I like rain, and I like sunshine. I like their correlation, their interaction, and I like their independence.

Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain
--Singin in the Rain, Gene Kelly

A happy refrain indeed.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)