Unwritten

Okay, so I know that the title seems a little too tragic. In fact I assure you it's no biggie really. You'll see/read later. Yesterday's CCA decided on the final list of people going to Hong Kong for the showcase thing in March. I wasn't on the list.As a matter of fact, I was rather disappointed. I tried not to show it, well, of course. I WANTED to go to Hong Kong, not for the showcase thing, of course, as I was only this supporting role (read: calefe), but for the chance to go to another country, perhaps for a little holiday FOC. Yeah, I know it is rather selfish of me, but ain't all humans self-centred, as Mrs Chan and Ms Pek had said? :)

What's different this year, is undoubtedly the workload, and the responsibilities I need to carry. A mere one week ago, the new Chinese Drama teacher-in-charge, Ms Zhou, asked us Secondary 3s to think of a CCA post that we wanted. (I considered being secretary, since I am not really the typical enthusiastic kind of member. Secretary work would suit me more than the others.) To be honest, I told myself that I needed to be more enthusiastic in my CCA this year, having actually laid a bad reputation as a non-enthusiastic, passive member. I had already done so by complaining less about my CCA, attending drama and speech lessons objectively, though what I still cannot accept are those lame games they are (still) playing after all these three years. Sure, the programmes were getting more and more enriching, with lessons on public speaking, script appreciation, drama being introduced instead of last year's near weekly routine of those lame games that are supposed to “strengthen bonds” and “promote teamwork”. But the development for a liking and enthusiasm towards my CCA still isn't there.

Just a fact up there. But the truth is this. I didn't get to go because Mr Yang didn't choose me. You know, I don't want to be complaining about Mr Yang here, but it's partially because of biasness. Yeah, I mean, who isn't biased. I am biased towards a few teachers, and biased against a few too. Why do I say this, exactly? Just during the last rehearsals on Wednesday, I was doing fine, I had a confirmed role by Ms Zhou, and she even told me to practise. However, when Mr Yang and Ms Zhou were discussing on who to go, Mr Yang presumably told something about me to Ms Zhou (he was pointing at me), and judging by the expressions, it wasn't something good. So, in the end, my friend Shien Yang replaced me, the reason I heard Mr Yang telling Ms Zhou was 他可以的, (for Mr Lundberg's sake, it means “he can”.)

Of course, Shien Yang isn't to blame, he really can do it, a talented person, gifted, naturally. I am the one to be blamed. Mr Yang had not seen anything from me that actually presents my so called “talent” for all 3 years in this CCA, besides last year's tongue-twister performance (and I suspect that I was heavily overshadowed by my louder and more enthusiastic friends at that time). Furthermore, I guess my reputation as a “slacker”, (I guess that's how they see me) helped. That made me think, what's the point trying to earn back those reputation points, by attempting to enjoy the activities you don't even enjoy. Not that I don't enjoy drama, (refer to blog post “Ruddy Ramblings” for a full account on my real feelings for Chinese Drama, why I am still in that CCA.) it's just a complex thing.

Instead, more enthusiastic friends like Zhi Hao and Shien Yang had long shown what they can do to Mr Yang. It is only natural that they get the trip. They are by right, more deserving than I am, me and all my self-centred intentions :). And don't get me wrong, Mr Yang IS a good teacher, a professional drama teacher in fact. What I am saying is that humans are not perfect. We tend to be biased I guess?

Okay, so I'll still try to enjoy my CCA, I'll try to assume a more important role I guess, instead of whining, which I always do. Hopefully, I had written this post objectively enough that Mr Yang and Shien Yang are both not offended. This wasn't the intention for the post. And Mr Lundberg, care keeping this a secret? and not tell other teachers about this internal struggle with my CCA – you know, I AM trying to change. :) Oh and if I can't go to Hong Kong, it's no biggie, we have to believe in Hwa Chong – a place where opportunities come and go, a place where overseas attachments are just ordinary things in an everyday school life... Furthermore, I am in HP, the chances are higher! Oh, I really love my school! :D