Since I have a free period to spare, I shall update my blog.
Basically the term has not been good for me. Yes, there were nice moments, but basically the academic component of my school life had turned around drastically.
I was back from Beijing one week after schooling, and barely after another one/two weeks of schooling, I went on THIMUN in the Netherlands, seems like distractions had taken its toll(s) on me. AND, it seems that remedial is awaiting me in Term 2... I failed my Biology with an E8 and I am not proud of it. I have a double B4 in Mathematics, and the rest aren't glorious score too. To sum up, not an A1 so far. When I walked into the library, I met with Ms Cheong, who told me that my geography scores were bad, and that I was "dead". And looking at the remaining subjects that have not been returned (Chemistry, Biology, History, Geography, Literature), it seems that an ominous fate awaits me.
What I have realised for last year, is that I have been relying a lot on my languages to pull up my MSGs. Although I don't score A1s for my sciences and humanities, I often rely on the 3 languages and occasionally Literature to help out with the scores. Also, last year I was in a lower band Maths class so there are two more A1s there.
But these are just excuses I have been giving myself, it is not just the language thing. Thing is, I compared to 2008 and realised that this year, I do not really listen in class, I do not submit work on time, I procrastinate, I youtube, I use my laptop. These are the real reasons why I failed this term.
From the mugging kid I was in Secondary 1, I had lowered my guard so much, for enjoyment, for relaxation, for more happiness. Just look where I've come to, look where it has brought me to. Am I more miserable than before? I don't think so. But I am not exactly happier than before either. I am not super smart so I don't have to study for an A1. I do not have a mind for maths and science (and probably geography [that I constantly flunk] which is also a branch of science). I have some foundation in languages which are probably my better subjects. But my true interest lies nowhere near.
I want to live in a world of music. A world where the academics just fade behind us. But it seems impossible. Talk about the Singapore Plan/Singapore Dream. The somewhat similar cultures in Singapore and Malaysia had taught us better. Don't study and you end up a sweeper, a trash collector, a musician playing on the roadside; study and you become an doctor, a lawyer, a professor. But what is with this academic thing anyway. Do I want to be a part of this headache? Will I live the second half of my life in a cubicle filled with never-ending paperwork?
It's all about passion and reality again. I really wish that there was a clear choice for me. I do not ace particularly in any academic subject. Yet I am very interested in the aesthetics. For example, music, food, drama, film, philosophy... Chern Yuen told me a few weeks back not to worry as passions can change ie in his brother's case. Well, for now, it seems that I really need a lot of help to change this attitude of mine. An inspiring teacher perhaps, a caring mentor. Otherwise, I just don't see it...
Talking about pursuing your passion, how many people actually do that, is it wise to do that? Have we not seen people who failed in the process, only to realise that they have to live in reality and not ideals. I was told by a teacher who understands me and whom I admire that I am a very idealistic person, too idealistic in fact. It seems that I have this crazy idea that the world must be perfect, and that there is no evil on earth. Maybe I am naive, or am I just a Dreamer (mypersonality.info)? I really want to try pursuing my passion, to ignore the stares that people give when they know what you are trying to do. But I fear. I fear the "I-told-you-so"s, I fear the laughters and looks people give once I fail.
I have an idea. Zi Kang and I actually came out with this idea. Zi Kang told me, that there are many people out there willing to learn music, but not in its strictest, theoretical form. He was one, and he expressed that his greatest regrets so far in life was not learning piano, and not joining band. So about the idea, it was to open a music school, one that does not follow the boundaries set by the prominent music boards in the world, one that teaches music to whoever is willing to learn, to anyone who just wants to know how to play their favourite songs and sing along. It will be a very flexible system, I'll use my play-by-ear techniques to educate, though I understand some do not have the perfect pitch, and in fact, for those who just want to enjoy the sounds of music, they don't even have to know how to read a score, all is just by ear, and by memory. And whoallah, you can play and sing along with your favourite songs. This idea can be developed in so many ways, I can even expand to teach classical music if requested (as long the person is not too fussy so as to make a prerequisite of at least a diploma).
Zikang will be my business partner, and student :), and we discussed Engkeat being our mascot (LOL which we said was bound to bring business to greater heights), and Chernyuen being some calculation person haha. The idea really got into me and I thought of this idea for days. It seemed good, but I wasn't sure. To me, this idea is not that idealistic, but to some maybe yes. Where do we even get our money to start business? Once again, my fears stop me. Reality jumps back (and remedial next term jumps back into mind). But I am still not giving up hope on this idea. We'll see where society takes me...
Okay, shall not continue with my boring dreamy talk. Till next time guys...
3 comment(s):
Well, I can't really say much on this.
Just that I echo some of your sentiments.
I sometimes feel that little voice telling me in the back of my mind that I am not following my heart. Yet invariably I manage to reconcile with myself after all. Sometimes soon after; sometimes a long time after.
Speaking from my heart, my dreams are very drastic by most people's standards; even my own. I don't usually tell people this, but I take issue with the very fabric of modern human society. There are many things that I think should be done another way. Ideally, I would like to be able to mould the world to my wishes; yet I see revolutionaries like Hitler and Lenin meeting bad ends. So I try to hold firm to my principles within my own little part of the society that I am a stakeholder of.
There will be times when we must live in reality, however much we want to do otherwise. That is the ethos of life. Seriously, if life were smooth sailing all the time it would be boring.
Remember that the routes leading to your dreams are many and varied; and that you must live out your dreams. By living our dreams I mean following it through within our small little worlds, only including like-minded people and friends who are prepared to accept you as you are. Put simply, that means reaching a compromise between your dreams and your realities (which may be another's dreams).
Now, my friend, something for you.
"Dreams are your own; realities too"
Think about it :)
the thing about such dreams is that, the more you think about its practicality, the more it seems impossible. fear, uncertainty, and other stuff kick in and it seems impossible.
but occasionally ask yourself what you really want to do provided you have the freedom to do so. only then think of how you can achieve that freedom. then work towards it.
and most of the time, for a business, money is the part that kills dreams. so don't think about money too much, if that's really what you want to do.
on the business idea, it doesn't need a lot. rent a shophouse, get a piano in there, deco abit to make it look professional, 40 bucks and half an hour to copyright and you have a business to your name :)
for things like this i guess you have to ask your heart before your head. otherwise ending up doing something you don't want to is... excruciating.
good luck!
I hope you have read Tuesdays with Morrie by now. Chasing material fulfilment is fruitless, giving and receiving love is all one actually needs. Start by loving yourself. (:
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